


Riverside Lost

by L_The_other_consulting_detective



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Brothers, Hurt, M/M, Tags are a give away..., frightening images, painful ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-15
Updated: 2016-03-15
Packaged: 2018-05-26 22:32:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,701
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6258376
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/L_The_other_consulting_detective/pseuds/L_The_other_consulting_detective
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Normally it doesn’t matter that Kili wants to come with his friends but today Fili wants, for once, to just have a minute away from his brother. Not that he doesn’t love him and usually spending time with him is just how things are but after what he heard the kids whispering…"</p><p>Fili's choices sometimes lead down paths he would sell his soul to take back, the problem is Kili is his soul.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Riverside Lost

**Author's Note:**

> Oh gods…look its 3 am and I haven’t started one of those previously mentioned papers, am freaking because I have some 90 pages of lines to memorize, and I just finished a warm fanfic that caused anticipatory tremors and I am a ball of panic.
> 
> If you have problems with death-related imagery I would read with caution. Also let me know in the comments if you'd like me to post the alternate ending!

 Normally it doesn’t matter that Kili wants to come with his friends but today Fili wants, for once, to just have a minute away from his brother. Not that he doesn’t love him and usually spending time with him is just how things are but after what he heard the kids whispering…

Some of their peers swear that FIli is too scared to go anywhere without Kili, scared that none of his friends even like him and that they only stick around for Kili who _everyone_ knows is Thorin’s favorite.

Fili knows that his friends like him and…well he knows that Thorin is softer on Kili but that doesn’t make him Thorin’s favorite! It’s just because Fili is the heir that he has more pressure on him.

So when Kili starts pulling on his boots Fili is harsher than he means to be, “Why don’t you stay home today, help Amad for once?”

Kili pauses, mid-booting, and looks up confused, “I was going to come fishing with you?”

Fili just shakes his head, giving Kili a pointed look and huffing, “You know we don’t have to do _everything_ together. I’m allowed to have my own friends too.”

He ignores the way Kili’s eyes widen and the little trickle of hurt in favor of tugging the last of his layers on and leaving. He does notice however that there is no sound of Kili following behind him and that silent space doesn’t sit how he thought it would. It’s more uncomfortable than it is freeing and he doesn’t find it a welcome change but the sight of his friends waiting renews his determination.

The afternoon is going well, a few questions about his brother that were easily answered with explanations of a day apart and Kili’s lessons. They’ve caught a decent number of fish and are happily chatting about the impending Durin’s Day festival when one of the others, Braig, asks Fili who he thinks he’ll give his rose too.

All dwarves who are nearly of age get roses dipped in coppers and golds to give to another they are interested in, the intent to have a trail courting. Few dwarves know their one right of away so it’s a good way to build the connection but it’s also just good fun and a support for friendships.

Fili swallows hard, uncertain, but before he can say he doesn’t know Kimil laughs, “To Kili, of course.”

The blonde rolls his eyes but he doesn’t deny it, Kili would probably be a good choice since he can’t think of anyone else. Kimil isn’t finished there though.

“We all know Kili’s his one, Fili and him and never apart…well accept now…and Kili told my sister he was going to give his to Fili anyways, because he loves him.”

This results in good natured teasing and Fili’s face burns, “I can’t give my rose to my brother! That’s gross!”

It’s a jest and the others recognize it from his overly childish tone, laughing. Fili notes an odd noise amidst the laughter but quickly decides it was from Elize who was coughing on the water she’d just drank.

The afternoon is slanted toward evening as they pack up and Fili finds that he has missed Kili’s presence more than he believed he would. Without the childish impulse he concluded that it was silly of him to try and push Kili away and want to be alone with their friends. After all Kili is also his friend, and if Kimil’s sister is right (Along with the tug in FIli’s bones) something more than friend or brother.

He waves and calls his goodbyes at the door to the small home they share with their mother, his thoughts turned to baking the fish into a suitable apology dinner for Kili. He knows he must explain his stupidity and knowing his brother good food will go a long way to softening him up.

The smell of his task fills the kitchen pleasantly and he is careful to set the table for just the two of them, their mother is not due for at least two more hours. He sets a plate aside for her, covered so it will keep and calls Kili’s name.

There is no answer but Fili didn’t not expect one, he sighs and goes to their shared room, knocking lightly before pushing the door open.

“Kee, I made dinner, please come and j-“ The words peter out, the room is empty and he feels his throat dry.

He steps out of the house, calling his brother’s name and cursing that he hadn’t noticed the absence sooner. He goes back inside to cover their food and dampen the stove, noting that Kili’s boots are gone there, though his coat is not. It was getting a little late in the fall for that, but during the day Fili knows it wouldn’t be an issue.

He feels a sudden pang, wondering if Kili left to wander the village by himself when Fili excluded him. He grimaces as he realizes the hour, if that is true Kili has been out for some time. He knows where to find his brother though and heads straight to Bofur’s. The older dwarf was an odd friend to Kili but a good one and Fili knows the way to his house almost instinctively.

A cold feeling starts to settle in when Bofur is surprised to see him and it worsens when he learns that Kili is not, and has not been, there today. He checks several other houses and the small tavern that Kili likes but no one has seen his brother. It is now sufficiently too cold not to have a coat and Fili heads back to the house, hoping he simply missed Kili on his way back from some stroll in the woods.

No one is home when he returns and he thinks about letting his brother come home at his own time but the temperature drives him back out with Kili’s coat. He walks the path he knows his brother likes, the trees providing a bit of comfort, as they always have.

He is almost past where they went fishing when he pauses, wondering if Kili hadn’t been nearby at some point. He walks how his brother would if trying to be stealthy and pushes past bushes a little upriver from where he had been.

His breath leaves him in a whoosh when he does, there are scraps of familiar fabric on the snapped branches of a nearby tree and it is clear part of the bank gave way, causing the tree Kili must’ve been caught on to snap.

His heart catches when he recalls the sound he mistook for Elize coughing, even though it had sounded like a cry of his name for a moment. If it was so long ago surely…surely if Kili was alright he should be home.

FIli fights down the panic, reasoning that Kili’s probably fine, maybe he went to Oin for a sprain afterwards, after Fili hadn’t thought to check the healers. A small voice whispers that he wouldn’t have spent hours there.

Stealing himself the blonde peers of the crumbled edge, the drop is longer than he thought and the darkening sky makes it harder to see. Not so hard that he doesn’t make out a shape that seem sout of place below.

His heart in his throat he carefully picks his way around and down. The fear tastes like blood in his mouth when he registers his brother’s motionless form. Kili looks so small with his arms sprawled and he face just barely turned so it is not shoved into the watery mud, his legs partially submerged in the freezing water.

Panic makes his steps unsteady as Fili rushes to his little brother, pulling him up and cradling his frigid body close he searches for some sign. There is nothing and Fili feels the weight of guilt crushing him, the guilt of being so harsh that morning, of wanting to be away from Kili. Kili who he loves more than he can say, more than he realized until he was suddenly facing a world without him.

Kili who is still clinging to a partially crushed rose, only the very edges of the petals are touched with the red glow of copper, exactly the type Fili loves the best.

Fili cannot breath or think or move, he can feel the fracture happening behind his ribs, can feel his heart catching fire and curling into ash. The pain and crushing sorrow is beyond measure, beyond words.

His Kili, his happy brother who wanted only for Fili to love him, for the other’s to stop calling him “the extra” and Thorin to be proud, who sported bruises with a smile because Fili always gave the other boys more, his sweet Kili who had been the air in his lungs…..

He prayed to Mahal as he picked up the cold form that Fili begged still contained his brother’s spirit and carried him through the chilly night air, the blonde’s own thick fur wrapped around his muddy frame. He walked past the plates of fish that might have cost him his very soul and laid Kili out on the bed, knowing that if he went for Oin the old healer would simply confirm the all-consuming truth.

Crawling into the bed beside his brother and curling into his still form like a dwarfling Fili knew that he would give himself to his grief, be consumed by it like in the old tales. He could not say how long it had taken from time he found Kili to his mother’s worried voice causing him to stir from his stupor, wound loosely around his brother.

“I killed him Amad. I killed my brother.”

Fili’s eyes were empty as he looked at their mother, he did not see the confusion in her face, nor the horror and fear. He didn’t notice her leave, nor her return with Oin in step, he knew only the weight of his mistakes and his own grief as it gave him a numbness that he was distantly thankful for, knowing the other option was madness.

He knew when Oin forced his mouth open and poured in a foul liquid that Fili swallowed without issue, he knew too when they tried to pry him off of Kili.

Fili didn’t know how he lay, so perfectly still, pressed against Kili, for days. He didn’t know how he screamed when they tried to pull him away, or how his mother wept at their bedside. He didn’t see his friends come to ask if he wanted to go places with them only to find his shell. He didn’t see the first days of the Durin’s Day celebration.

This year the roses were not just for the intended One’s of other dwarves, instead a rose from every dwarf in the blue mountains found their way to Dis’ doorstep, along with her wayward brother, who had been travelling when news of two half-dead dwarflings called him home.

The roses spilled over everything and Dis cried against Thorin as slow tears dripped off the King’s chin as the quietest Durin’s Day their people had seen since the dragon came dawned.

Seeing nothing to be done, Oin forced both distraught royals out of the house at midday, leaving Fili curled up beside Kili.

A soft pressure made itself known to Fili, the first thing to elicit a reaction from him in a great many days.

What Fili did not know as he had climbed in bed next to Kili and his mother had fled for Oin was that, despite his frozen state, Kili lived. He clung to the threads of life and Oin had done his best to strengthen his hold. It was Fili who he worried for the most, for Kili would return given the time and rest but Fili was all but lost to them, no food could pass his lips except brother and little water, no dwarf could survive from just that.

Fili twitched when the pressure became more insistent and slowly his long-reaching gaze focused. Kili had turned and was lightly nosing his chest, Fili curled tighter around the brunette and stared to lose himself again when it really registered.

Kili was moving, Kili was warm in his arms and not a rotted corpse of damaged flesh.

Hardly daring to believe it Fili cautiously dropped a kiss on Kili’s brow and his brother leaned up into him. Brown eyes fluttering open slowly and hazily looking up at him warmed him to his toes and he felt himself come back a little.

“Fee?” The voice was hoarse from disuse but too Fili it was every beautiful sound at once. He snuggled down a bit and pressed his lips to Kili’s without a word. Kili hesitantly returned to pressure and in answer to his confusion Fili gave a tiny smile.

“I got your rose Amral. I am just sorry I didn’t get you one in return.”

Kili frowned at him and plucked one of the many roses from over Fili’s shoulder, “Where did they all come from?”

Just noticing them all the blonde could only stare helplessly, “I don’t know. In truth…I don’t know much right now.”

He looked back at Kili and could feel himself knitting back together, his amazement not yet having worn off he sat up, pulling the younger with him. Kili whined softly but Fili was clinging to him tightly a moment later and Kili rubbed his back softly.

“Shhhh, Sannadad, shhhh. Tell me, what’s wrong?”

FIli did not understand at first, Kili’s soft sounds, but soon he realized he was crying and shuddering against his brother.

“I found you…laying almost I the river after the dirt fell away…you’d been there for _hours_ and you weren’t moving, I couldn’t tell you were even breathing. You were so…so, cold. I carried you home and I knew there wasn’t a way to save you. I thought you were lost too me. All because I thought I wanted a day without you…because I was selfish and naïve and cared too much what a few idiots were mumbling on about. I lost you because I wasn’t with you, I left you along, I let you die. I let you die.”

Kili pressed his forehead against Fili’s, “You didn’t Fee, you didn’t. I’m right here. Right beside you, can’t you feel how alive I am?”

The kiss was soft and warm, making Fili’s fear melt away as he sunk into Kili.

“You’re my One and I forgive you, thank you for finding me.” Kili whispered and Fili cried out softly, uncertain if it was in joy or just relief.

He peppered Kili’s face with kisses, ignoring the door as it clicked open and shut. Kili laughed brightly, cradling Fili against his warm chest, “I love you too.” He sighed, curling around Fili in return.

 

Dis had prayed in every version of their language she knew the release her and Thorin from such torment. Opening the door to her home she had felt the spike of hope.

The gods had a sense of sick humor then when she realized that Fili had gone from catatonically clinging to his brother’s corpse to actively _talking_ to it. She turned to Thorin who simply unsheathed his sword, the tears on his cheeks already drying.

If they could not save him, they would have to send Fili to the grave of Kili’s that he had desecrated in his madness.

Thorin advanced and Fili turned, his thin fingers tangled with Kili’s rotting hand as he smiled up at his uncle.

“Uncle! Tell Amad that Kili and I have decided to have a handfasting next spring.”

Thorin faltered for a brief moment and Fili focused on the ruined face of his little brother with such adoration it turned his stomach. The old tales had been nearly forgot even when Thorin was young but he was haunted by their words now.

“Two halves a whole, one lost the other follows,

First without sound, then without thought.

Until the keenest of blades must undo life’s knot.”


End file.
